Oh no! I'm being attacked by a MarySue!
by Belthronding
Summary: Eltinmirwen falls in love with Legolas, but Elrond confronts her, and sees through her. She flees, and ends up in Aman. *chap 3* Appearences from Feanor, Glorfindel, Finwe and Eru...
1. The Meeting

Oh No! I'm being attacked by a Mary-Sue!  
  
  
  
A/N: This is a parody of course. In no way do I think I am Legolas, or Eltinmirwen Starwatcher Springstep (Thank goodness). This is a short vignette. I am sorry if you do not think this is funny, or you feel outraged/targeted by it.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Legolas or any other characters of JRR Tolkien, unfortunately I do own Eltinmirwen Starwatcher Springstep.  
  
Part I: The meeting.  
  
Legolas sat silent in thought, holding his own counsel. Imladris was a peaceful place to be, and he retired here at times for various purposes. After awhile, he got up and stretched his legs. A soft moaning became audible, and Legolas hurried towards the sound. In the midst of a clearing lay a young girl. He knelt by her side. "Be you hurt, young one?"  
  
"Oh Legolas. Truly you were the one I was waiting for."  
  
Legolas frowned. How did this stranger know his name? He looked her up and down. She had brown, slightly tousled medium length hair, and very strange eyes.  
  
"Are you admiring my eyes? I've always been complimented on them." She whispered coyly.  
  
"They are very strange."  
  
"They're blue, with a dash of silver in the middle, and they sparkle in the moonlight."  
  
Legolas thought this absurd. Rather than make his opinion known, he asked again:  
  
"Are you hurt? I heard you moaning from some distance."  
  
"I seem to have broken my leg. Maybe, maybe if I lean on you for support you could take me to Elrond and he can heal me."  
  
Legolas was taken aback.  
  
"Lord Elrond? How do you know of him? Are you a spy?"  
  
"No! No. I just love elves," the girl sighed dramatically, particularly blond ones."  
  
"Are you of the race of the Eldar?"  
  
The girl looked confused.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
Legolas looked at her sharply.  
  
"The Eldar. The first children of Ilúvatar. The firstborn."  
  
"I'm an elf, if that's what you mean. Do you want to know my name?"  
  
"If you know mine, I may as well know yours."  
  
"Eltinmirwen Starwatcher Springstep."  
  
"That is a most uncommon name. I have not heard it before." There was a hint of doubt in Legolas' voice.  
  
"I think it's unusual, like me. And it describes me well."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"I have a spring in my step. I love watching stars, don't you? They're so pretty. And el means star as well, announced Eltinmirwen proudly, and mir is for jewel."  
  
"What of tin? Sparkle? I have heard of that in a name before, long ago in the Elder Days. Luthien Tinuviel." Legolas whispered to himself sadly.  
  
"Who is she?"  
  
"Was. She was the fairest maiden there was, and ever will be. Middle Earth mourned her greatly. Her likeness has not been seen again, though the Evenstar, Elrond's daughter does bear some resemblance." Legolas' voice was far away, distant in his pensiveness.  
  
Eltinmirwen grew impatient. Things were not going according to plan. Where was the gushing Legolas she had dreamt about, declaring his undying love for her? His voice brought her back to reality.  
  
"We must get your leg seen to."  
  
Eltinmirwen tried to stand up and gasped in pain, clutching at her leg. Her garments were most peculiar, thought Legolas, a dress fit for a ball, with several rips in revealing places. The maiden rested her arm around his shoulder, and leant on him heavily, while self consciously re arranging her clothing.  
  
The odd pair slowly made their way back to Imladris.  
  
  
  
Next chap: Elrond and Legolas discover Eltinmirwen is an imposter! 


	2. In the house of Elrond

A/N: Thanks for the 6 reviews, I appreciate. Tash: Ok, I'll try "English" punctuation this time!  
  
  
  
Part II: In the house of Elrond  
  
  
  
Eltinmirwen awoke in a large white bed, unfamiliar surroundings, or maybe not.  
  
'Wonder if this is the bed Elijah-Frodo she corrected herself- slept in?' she thought.  
  
'So, you are awake.' A voice startled her out of her reverie.  
  
Elrond appeared in the doorway. To Eltinmirwen's disappointment, his eyebrows were perfectly normal, and in no way 'strange' or 'weird'.  
  
'Yes, Master Elrond. Am I healed now?'  
  
Elrond looked at the girl oddly.  
  
'Wounds take time to heal. Fortunately you do not have a broken leg.'  
  
Eltinmirwen pouted. 'But Frodo was healed really quickly.'  
  
'I do not know how you know of Frodo, but his wound differed from yours. It will never wholly heal. Rest awhile child, I will be back soon.' So saying, Elrond lightly closed the door and went to find Legolas.  
  
'You know the child is no elf, Legolas.'  
  
'Of course, I could tell she was not of immortal race. I found her in a clearing I could not let the child die.'  
  
'You did the right thing. Now we must find out who she really is, and what she's doing in Rivendell.'  
  
Eltinmirwen got up, hobbled around on her good leg, and went in search of 'her' dearly beloved. She found Legolas and Elrond talking on a balcony.  
  
'Approach child.'  
  
'Why do you keep calling me a child? I'm sixteen years old!' She blurted out.  
  
'Sixteen? So very few years for an elf.'  
  
'Ok, Ok, I'll tell you. I'm no elf.'  
  
'We know'. This was the first time Legolas spoke. 'Why did you deceive us?'  
  
'I wanted to come to Middle Earth so I got myself sucked in. It's all the rage at the moment.'  
  
The two elves looked at her, amazed.  
  
'Do you mean to say you are not a race dwelling in Middle Earth?'  
  
Eltinmirwen nodded.  
  
'I'm sorry. My real name is Laura. I made up my elvish name on an name generator site.'  
  
'This does not make any sense. You are not of Arda, and you cannot be of Aman, the Blessed Realm as you are not immortal.' Legolas was having a hard time trying to grasp the situation.  
  
'Legolas, I will try and explain.' Elrond's voice, full of wisdom made both elf and human turn towards him.  
  
'You are not the first strange child coming to these lands. I have seen many, with queer sounding names. Most are after Legolas, and declare their undying love to him, but I have heard that a few run after young Frodo Baggins too.'  
  
'But why conceal this knowledge? Why do I have no notion of it?'  
  
'Indeed Legolas, you may ask why. I have no logical answer, but these strange girls seem to cast a spell on you. You have no recollection of them at all as soon as they have departed, is what I have discovered.'  
  
'Oh.' Laura, previously Eltinmirwen, looked downcast. As the author of a certain number of fan fictions in which she and Legolas could be found in slightly compromising positions, the news that he casually forgot each encounter was rather disappointing.  
  
Legolas, on the other hand looked relieved.  
  
'Is there no way to stop this from happening?' Legolas was clearly not aware of the extent of the problem, nor the amount of times it occurred. (Which is just as well really)  
  
'Unfortunately, the power is not in our hands. Maybe this young lady could bring a message back to her fellow friends.'  
  
Elrond's keen eyes bore into Laura, who blushed, feeling foolish. After the eternity (so it seemed to her) since she had dreamt of Legolas, and plastered her walls in posters of the elf, to renounce it all seemed a dreary prospect.  
  
'But, but.it's not that easy, she stammered, we, I-she swallowed-, love Legolas.'  
  
'Love me? I cannot comprehend how or why. Love is a complicated, intricate, serious matter. You are but a mere mortal, sixteen you say, whom I do not know and share nothing with. Only thrice have elf and mortal unified, what do you possess that would make it a fourth?'  
  
To hear the truth so bluntly put made Laura want to cry. Slowly, she began to see that herself and thousands of other fans had been deluding themselves.  
  
'It's only a bit of fun!' was her last argument. She need not have tried. Realising her error, she turned on her heels and ran.  
  
  
  
A/N: I don't know if another chapter will follow, depends on the inspiration! If you have any ideas, please leave them in a review. 


	3. Changing locations

Disclaimer: see Part I, also for one sentence I borrowed from Lewis Carroll, no infringement intended.

Author's note: I'm sorry for the sheer stupidity of this, and in case you disapprove, I do not intend to write anymore anyway. By the way, it does not totally make sense.

Part III

Yes Laura ran. Her leg really was not injured at all, it had all been a ploy, so she could play the damsel in distress for Legolas to rescue. Only she had been found out. Elrond had seen through her, and at present she was running. Where? She was not sure, which was most unlike her. Without warning though she fell…through a plot hole. 

The former Eltinmirwen landed in a heap, most un lady-like, or rather elf-like. Trying to regain her composure, she looked around. The place had an edge of familiarity, perhaps it was New Zealand? She tossed her head sideways, and in doing so her mane of silvery, dewy brown hair sparkled in the sunrise. Dawn had always been her favourite time of day.

Eltinmirwen skipped along the road, feeling happy. She had managed, thanks to the plot hole to be rid of Elrond's keen gaze and strange eyebrows, unfortunately in the process she was also separated from Legolas. But seeing as she had always wanted to visit New Zealand, the filming location of her all time favourite film, she was rather satisfied.

* 

She walked a long time; the sun rose and shone in the sky, then waned again before she met anyone.

'G'day' she tried.

A man looked down at her from his horse. He uttered words in a foreign tongue.

'Typical', thought Eltinmirwen, 'I finally meet someone and they're not even local.'

'Who are you Milady?' the man asked again, 'I wish you were not quite so deaf for I've had to ask you twice.'

'Oh! I didn't understand the first time.'

'I was speaking in the high elven speech. I should have thought you'd be fluent by now.'

'I know, I know!' Eltinmirwen wrung her hands in despair. 'I have a fairly good grasp of Sindarin, but Quenya lessons just don't fit in around cheerleading.'

The elf, for he was indeed an elf, gazed down at the girl approvingly. Finally someone with his view of life.

'May I ask what name you go by?'

'Eltinmirwen Starwatcher Springstep.' Gone were her thoughts of repentance, of dashed hopes and plain Laura with them.

'A very uncommon name.' The elf mirrored Legolas' thoughts. 'You may call _me_ Glorfindel.'

Eltinmirwen melted on the spot. Here was a beautiful, tall elf, with what's more, _blonde _hair (Legolas had been forgotten by now). The elf gave her his hand and in a moment she was seated behind the chief of the House of the Golden Flower of Gondolin, though she did not know it. The couple rode off into the sunset.

This idyll did not last long. Darkness came over Aman (though she did not know that that was indeed where she was).

'I have a feeling of _déja vu_ Eltinmirwen. This does not bode well.'

'Oh Glorfy.' Eltinmirwen was at a loss for words, so sighed dramatically. She shuddered and hugged Glorfindel in a tight arm hold. 

'I cannot quite breath Milady.'

'Sorry, sorry.' Eltinmirwen let go. 'Is it far to get home?'

'Home means many things.' Glorfindel replied mysteriously. 'But yes, we are very near Tirion, upon Tuna, where we shall stay the night.'

'Tuna. What a strange name. You know in my-' Laura stopped herself. She was about to say that in _her_ world, tuna was a rather delicious fish, which helped maintain a healthy heart. 'In my lifetime, I have never been there.' She corrected herself.

'It is a most wonderful sight. I am pleased to be the one to show you around.'

'Oh no you don't.' A dark voice was heard.

Glorfindel's horse neighed, nearly throwing off his two riders, for there before them stood Curufinwë but known as Fëanor to all. His lips curled into an ugly smile as he slowly approached the animal.

'Permit me, Lady, to welcome you to Eldamar, and particularly to Tirion, my ex-home.' Gracefully he bowed, and his velvety hair hung down in loose strands, either side of his face. Laura would be awed, but Eltinmirwen really did sparkle all over. As the second elf in that day gave her his hand, she lightly jumped down from the horse.

'You know this is where I shot my first arrow… You _must_ visit the forge, and also see the first jewel I ever created…' Fëanor's voice drifted off into the distance, but Eltinmirwen's occasional laughter could be heard echoing for some time after both had disappeared from sight.

Glorfindel cast a lonely figure, as he hunched over his horse, both shadows growing longer into the night.

*

Meanwhile, Fëanor was introducing Eltinmirwen to an eager crowd of elves, in the heart of Tirion. She shook many a hand, and smiled keenly to all. A certain Nerdanel glowered at her, no doubt jealous of Eltinmirwen's superior beauty.

'I assure she has something of the Valar in her!' Announced Maglor.

Murmurs of agreement could be heard throughout the gathering.

Eltinmirwen smiled gratefully, though not understanding the full meaning of the compliment. Caranthir smiled greedily at her, while Curufin bowed low, as had previously his father. It was not just, he thought, that his father should get the girl, for he was already married.

After a heart meal, Eltinmirwen retired to a room with a wonderful view of the bizarrely name Tuna. The white sheets were crisp and warm, and she snuggled comfortably beneath them, and within a moment, was fast asleep.

As a new day dawned, she was woken to the sound of rattling cutlery. 

'Breakfast in bed.' Fëanor grinned.

'How thoughtful.' Eltinmirwen sipped delicately at her tea, and took nibbles of her _lembas_. 

'You must rise now. My father demands an audience with you, and you cannot be late...' (_We are supposing here that Finwë has been reborn._)

At the same moment Eltinmirwen first gazed upon Finwë, Eru, Iluvatar, the One, hummed to himself. The beauty of the _fair elf maiden_ did not deceive him, although the Noldor seemed to fall for it. It was her sheer nerve that awed him. The way she managed to wriggle her way into the heart of the Eldar, into a community many ages old, and get away with it. He could not stand for it. Either she went back to whence she came from, or he had her killed. Simple as that. He was rather disinclined to carry out the latter, but he had no notion of how to send the girl back to her land. The circles of the world were immense; he could not hazard a guess and risk her ending up in the Void, with for neighbour, Melkor. He pondered quite some time on the issue, before finally coming to a conclusion. He would _marry_ her. Thus she would not be visible in Aman and would reside with him, watching down on the happenings in the world, but unable to intervene. He decided to act immediately, before Eltinmirwen had time to wreak more havoc, among the supposed _Wise,_ where was their knowledge on such an occasion he did not know.

Eltinmirwen, who was engaged in a sound discussion with Finwë on the subject of polygamy, began slowly to dissipate. Looking down at her hands they seemed blurred, somewhat distant and pale. The High King of the Noldor seemed to be looking straight through her, with a bemused expression on his face.

'Eltinmirwen! … _Eltinmirwen?_'

'I'm here!' Shouted Eltinmirwen, and waved her hands in front of Finwë's face. But her cries were unavailing, and inaudible. She stamped her foot on the tiled floor, but of course no one could hear her.

Then came a low chuckling, reverberating around the hall.

'What is to become of you, _Laura?_' It seemed to say. Finwë was still sitting in his chair, looking pensive.

'Who are you?' Eltinmirwen asked to the ceiling.

'Why, I would have thought you'd know. I am Eru Iluvatar, all seeing all knowing. And I know who _you_ are.'

'Why can't I see you? I don't believe you!' 

'Of course you can.'

Eltinmirwen looked around. The hall of Finwë had disappeared. She could not totally distinguish where she was, or _who _she now was. Her body form had evaporated; she was no more but Fëa. Looking down though, she could see Tirion upon Tuna unfurled in miniature beneath her. She could actually _see _Fëanor, and Glorfindel, and Finwë and many other elves getting along with their daily lives, as if she had never existed. 

'This is the world as it should be.' A voice spoke in her ear.

'Mister Iluvatar, sir, what do you want me to do?' Her voice quivered slightly.

'You shall be my scribe.' Eru pronounced his judgement with satisfaction. 'And bride.'

'Is it possible for me to marry a God?'

'You are forgetting you are one too. Though your powers are limited.'

'What can I do? Can I make the weather change, people fall in and out of love?'

'You can practise calligraphy marvellously well.'

~Fin.

Author's Note #2:  Yes it's awful, but I had to get this out of my system. Better out than in they say. Don't worry, no more will be following! Please leave comments, and/or flames.


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